


Before

by 50s_housewife_with_a_dark_secret



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Affection, Aftermath of Torture, Attempt at Humor, BAMF Bucky Barnes, Based on a Tumblr Post, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Dehumanization, Depression, Dubious Science, Homelessness, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mad Science, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Not Beta Read, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-HYDRA Reveal, Ratings: R, Rebellion, References to Depression, Reflection, Rehabilitation, Relationship(s), Running Away, SNAFU, Scandal, Self-Reflection, Sneakiness, Social Anxiety, Solitary Confinement, Soul-Searching, The Avengers Are Good Bros, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, minor internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-06-16 20:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15445542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/50s_housewife_with_a_dark_secret/pseuds/50s_housewife_with_a_dark_secret
Summary: Apparently I still have Bucky feels I need to put into the form of another long rambling fic. This will occasionally jump around in time a bit but not too much. If in doubt, know that past-tense means we're in the earlier part of the timeline, and present tense is later.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In which I reference a popular headcanon.

Steve seems to be onto something with all the workouts. Not that Bucky will ever, in a million years, wake up early to go on a run, but an early afternoon spent at the gym is a different story. It's easier when he doesn't have to drag himself out of bed before he's really done sleeping, and it clears his mind and keeps him occupied once he's fully awake. His hair is up in a ponytail, held in place by a hairband with small pink and white beads and a plastic cat face that he's pretty sure Natasha gave him as a joke. He doesn't particularly care if it was a joke. If he had just a little more emotional energy he might even find it funny, though he isn't quite there today. Maybe tomorrow. Things have been improving lately. If they weren't, he wouldn't even be working out, or leaving his room at all. The motivation he's feeling right now is precious and he's doing his best to capitalize on it. His therapist is probably gonna be happy about it, but as annoying as that is, it's still a good idea. His brain feels marginally quieter and less stupid now despite the fact that it's been doing very little work beyond weight lifting. Endorphins or someshit probably. No one ever stops talking about endorphins or dopamine or a million other weird chemical things. It's probably easier for them than just saying he's crazy. He's listening to pop music from a few different decades, none of them his original, and currently something from the eighties with a lot of synth sounds is pouring in from his earbuds. He's at the end of his workout and is feeling generally positive enough that taking a selfie sounds sort of nice. He may as well show off all this other-wise-hopefully-pointless fitness. He'd like to say it's entirely pointless, but that's a bit naive. There's no such thing as safe, really, and no that he's actually got something worth losing, he also has to deal with the constant anxiety it produces. It actually sort of misses being totally hopeless, which is a pretty stupid thing to miss. Regardless, he makes a stupid face and takes the picture for Instagram. It instantly gets a fairly high number of likes from random people as well as a comment from Tony reading "No fair...I want a magic hottie serum". Bucky rolls his eyes and leaves to get lunch with Natasha, who promised to share "the secret of the worlds greatest sandwich place". This is a coveted secret in the tower. No one actually knows where she gets the subs from, just that she shows up with mysterious awesome sandwiches from an unspecified restaurant. Clint has been begging her to share the sandwich secret for months and sharing it with Bucky instead will apparently "serve as revenge for the volley-ball incident" whatever the hell that means. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now, a time jump to just after CA:TWS, months before the start of this particular fic.

The thing about going back to Steve after the helicarrier...incident was, it was kind of embarrassing, and he knew Steve was going to be angry. It turned out that Steve was angry, at very nearly everyone except "Bucky" himself, which was still a strange name but apparently was his. It had said so at the museum, which seemed to be a legitimate operation, probably. It was the best information he could find, with the most corroboration, so he'd have to trust it. This was vaguely uncomfortable, since trusting people with no real proof had sort of gotten him here in the first place but it was what it was. There weren't really any other options. For a long time, "Bucky" had not approached the Captain regardless. There was no reason to trust anyone who knew who he was, and he may as well try to stay off the map, delay whatever was coming, for as long as possible. He needed to figure things out, without the influence of someone trying to explain them, or just taking the knowledge he'd already gathered away without bothering to add to it or manipulate it at all. Steve seemed...better but that didn't mean he wasn't terrifying as well. Nobody who knew as much as Steve did, or at least seemed to, could be...nonthreatening. Not really. Knowing what Bucky was meant knowing what he'd done, and knowing that he could, maybe even should, be controlled. He wasn't ready to walk into that. Not just yet. 


	3. Chapter 3

It took him a long time to figure out what to do at first. Well, no, not at first. At first he just went back to the bank and waited. And waited and waited and waited. After around three days he realized no one was going to show up. He should try to find another base. It would be hidden, of course, and other people usually did the finding for him when there was investigating to be done, but he could probably figure this out. He could find records around the area. Hydra bases were everywhere, and it couldn't really be gone. The next several bases he found were empty too. All of Hydra's e-files had been leaked. Wherever Hydra was...they weren't coming back, and they weren't allowing themselves to be found. It probably would have scared him if he hadn't had better control than that. This was still a mission, even if it was an unspoken one. 


	4. Chapter 4

In the end, he found the guy...Captain Rogers... not because it seemed like a good tactical decision or anything but because he just...needed to. If he was going to be alone this long, it couldn't be while he was awake. He needed orders to keep going, it turned out. Otherwise he just ended up staring at the ceiling for days, not eating or thinking or moving. He wasn't sure how much he could offer Steve, since the man was already a super soldier himself, but it was worth a shot at least. That was the one thing that was actually starting to seem pretty certain. Worst case scenario, Rogers ignored him and he withered away, which was happening as long as he didn't go back anyway. Best case scenario Rogers actually let him stay. If it wasn't either of those, maybe he'd die or be locked up somewhere, which was, if not ideal, certainly not the worst that could happen. The worst that could happen had already happened. He was alone. Hydra was nowhere to be found. Pierce was almost certainly dead. All the sources said so. He found a coat, a t-shirt, and some old stained slacks, frayed at the edges, in various dumpsters. Hydra had tried to kill Steve, and the old uniform marked him as their agent. He couldn't bring himself to get rid of it. The design had been a gift from Pierce, and it brought back the memories he'd been spared, but he wasn't going to wear it when he went to find Steve for the same reason. Steve had seemed to respond positively to ...Bucky's...face. Or at least...he'd been more reluctant to fight against it, so that left out any replacement for the mask too. In fact, he found an old snapped rubber band and tied his hair back so it didn't hide his face so much. His gut lurched at that, though he felt stupid admitting it to himself, making himself more visible, more recognizable was not pleasant, but it was a risk he'd have to take. The goal, for once, was to be recognized, especially in a context that Rogers wouldn't find personally threatening. He'd be willing to take any risk if it meant he'd have someone to go to at this point. He felt vague memories of months spent in a small grey space. There were no people there. He didn't have the arm yet. Or had he? The memory split clearly into two: one in which he did not have the arm and one in which it was there and familiar and he yanked on his hair or busted up the metal fingers against the walls every so often so it would give him a little jolt of energy. It was awful of him. He shouldn't have needed that kind of energy just to sit around wasting everyone's time but he was under no accusation of supreme goodness or intelligence. Just potential. Well...hopefully even now there was some of that left. He'd find out soon enough. 


	5. Chapter 5

Captain Rogers said to call him Steve. Steve was crying but he didn't seem angry. He asked a lot of questions but it was really very nice.  "Bucky" He said. "Are you okay?" He said. "Come in." He said. He said: "Do you want anything to drink?" "Do you need to shower?" "Did anyone follow you?" "Where have you been?" The Asset (or "Bucky" now, apparently) wasn't sure what the correct answer to any of that was so he just stood in the doorway until Steve pulled him in and then stood in the elevator until they reached "Steve's Floor". The apartment was gone, Steve said. What apartment? It was safer here anyway, Steve said. "Do you want anything?" The asset stood and waited. There was no good answer to that question, accusation really, deserved as it was, but if he gave no answer at all then the moment might pass. Steve seemed to forgive him after a second. Steve sighed. He said "Why don't you take a shower?" In a way that meant "Take a shower." 

"How?"

Steve went through a long winding explanation of the temperature controls that drifted in and out of being understandable. He put a stack of clothes on the counter and said to change into them after the shower. A T-shirt. A sweater. Jeans.

When Commander Pierce was young...he might have worn jeans. 

Not often but a few times. 

It was a nice thought, or it should have been, but instead it just felt strangely unsettling. Maybe he wasn't supposed to remember that?

The clothes were comfortable. They smelled like some sort of artificial chemical but not in a bad way, and nothing familiar. Hopefully it was just some sort of cleaning agent and not harmful. 

"Are the clothes okay? We'll get you some that fit better soon."

"They smell like...soap." He said, in case Steve didn't know about the chemicals.

"Is that...okay?" 

"I...Of course. Sorry." 

Steve opened his mouth to say something and closed it again. He seemed to collect himself a little but his words were still scrambled when he finally spoke "Does a nap would...here...lets...nap on the couch. We can watch something in the background." He gestured to the television. The purpose of displaying a man explaining how to paint, even though they were supposed to be sleeping and not learning how to paint was unclear. The man also seemed to not be very good at his job and kept stopping to talk about squirrels. It was nice anyway. Steve settled nearby on the couch, which was even better. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We return (briefly) to present-day

Logically, there isn't much point going to a bar these days, but Natasha says she can still get a bit of a buzz, and Steve likes yelling at drunk idiots when they step out of line. Bucky has tried to explain that this is the worlds saddest hobby but Steve refuses to acknowledge that he even goes looking for it. Somehow, Steve still gets into ridiculous fights. For instance, while he now probably  _can_ dispute the nature of catcalling with this motorcycle gang, he probably  _shouldn't_. Not that he asked Bucky's opinion. He never asks anyone anything before he starts throwing punches, really. He just sees a situation and some sort of innate idiocy kicks in. It's reassuring in a way, to know that so much has stayed the same, and that Bucky is almost certainly remembering his teenage years mostly-right. Goddamn it. Steve is Bucky's absolute favorite idiot. At least he can actually fend for himself now, not that he's going to need to. 

Bucky sighs and turns to Natasha as he puts his hair up. "I've gotta take care of this." He says. She rolls her eyes, but she's smiling. It looks at least 60% genuine too. She finds idiocy endearing too, which explains how she can stand Clint. 

It isn't much of a fight, considering that it's Captain America and the former Winter Soldier versus some drunk idiots trying to look tough but Steve, for all his denials, seems happy about it. He's trying and failing to suppress a grin. Natasha is grinning unashamedly. "That was entertaining."

"You could've stepped in." Steve says, it's less reproach and more an invitation for the inevitable next time.

She laughs "It looked like you had it under control. I wish they sold popcorn here though."

"You've been talking to Clint too much. What happened to popcorn being overrated?" Bucky asks.

"It is. I can want something even if it's overrated." Natasha defends. "Besides, if I were really like Clint I'd have wanted leftover pizza too. I honestly don't understand how he's alive."

Neither Steve or Bucky dare point out that Natasha has, on multiple recent occasions, eaten her fair share of leftover pizza with obvious enjoyment, though that might just be to see Clint yell "WHO ATE THE PIZZA?!", which she seems to find entertaining. 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Bucky's been down here, practicing knife throwing for...well a while now actually. He's lost track of the exact amount of time. He's exhausted, but he won't be able to sleep right now and his rooms are a mess anyway. Steve says Bucky has always been a slob, though the insult seems mostly affectionate. Bucky lodges another knife into a target from across the room. There's a rhythm to it. It should be boring by now. It actually  _is_ boring by now, but there's something comforting about it anyway. Maybe boring isn't the right word for it. He doesn't have to think about it, but there's a focus to it nonetheless. He could almost call himself relaxed right now. 


	8. Chapter 8

He fell asleep on the couch last night, so that's where he wakes up. Someone, probably Steve, put a blanket over him. It should be a nice gesture but Bucky can't bring himself to care. It's stupid. He reassures Netflix that he is, in fact, still watching and picks up in the middle of an episode he isn't paying attention to anyway. The volume is too loud but he doesn't bother turning it down. It doesn't matter. Fucking whatever. He's sweaty too and it'd be nice if he had the kind of motivation it would take to get up and shower but that definitely isn't happening any time soon. He's not going to move. He's not even going to open his eyes too much if he can avoid it.

~~~

He lies there on the couch. Netflix jabbers at him incomprehensibly. His phone buzzes occasionally but he doesn't check it. Maybe in a while he'll put it on airplane mode. He can stay like this, not moving for hours. 

~~~

He falls asleep again. Sleep is difficult but it's one of the few things that actually seems worth trying for. Sleep is time he doesn't have to fucking be there. 

~~~

"Bucky? You okay?" Steve asks. Bucky grunts in response. Steve can worry all he fucking wants but it's not gonna do a damn thing. It certainly change the fact that "Bucky" is a fucking stupid name. 

"Talk to me" Steve says. He sits down at the end of the couch. 

"Fuck off." 

Steve sighs, but he leaves. Bucky sort of regrets telling him to fuck off. He'll probably feel worse about it when he has more energy. 


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning Steve drags Bucky out of bed to go on a run that quickly becomes a walk. Bucky is exhausted and sweating despite, and to be honest, because of the fact that he hasn't really moved for a day or so now. Why bother? He isn't even really sure why he's going on this stupid walk. It isn't worth the energy to figure out his own motivations right now. He's already going on a walk, that's enough exertion. It feels fucking impossible. He just wants to be back in bed, where he can rest. He's so fucking tired. He's so fucking tired and Steve won't fucking shut up because he's nervous and he thinks talking will fix it. Steve is an idiot, and talking only fuels the nervousness. He keeps tripping over his words and apologizing. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaand here we are in the past again :)

Bucky dreamed about Agent Smith. Agent Smith didn't expect him to show his face. He sometimes put the mask on _early_ , even. In the dream Agent Smith found him and even though Bucky knew that that was probably not good, because Agent Smith wanted to kill Steve, Bucky ran back to the man and hid behind him. He woke up missing Agent Smith. He even missed the drills they used to run. He had a sort of idea, a memory maybe, of Smith sitting in front of him. Bucky had trained against  Smith for hours and his bones were broken. Smith found a cut in Bucky's side and he'd said "I'll walk you to the technicians." The gesture had been unnecessary but somehow that made it even better. Steve wasn't like Smith. Smith was always smiling. Steve never smiled or at least, when he did, he still looked sad. When Bucky woke up Steve was staring at him from over a kitchen counter, smiling but looking at him like the whole world had ended.

 


	11. Chapter 11

The post-apocalyptic smile lasted for the rest of the day. Whatever Bucky had done to cause it, he had really, really screwed up. Probably. Sometimes smiles, especially grim ones, meant good. Bucky waited on edge for the answer to be revealed.

Steve was bigger than even Agent Rumlow. It made the waiting worse. 

By the end of the day there was still no answer. That meant it was either okay or Steve was just being nice. Bucky hoped that Steve wasn't being nice. The nice ones, the ones who let things slide, were always worse when they finally allowed themselves to show anger. He wasn't sure how he knew that. There were not any distinct memories to point to this. Maybe it was just a guess. It was just a guess. He had no evidence. He was probably just looking for reasons to hate Steve. He did that a lot. Even to Agent Rumlow and Agent Smith. They hadn't been able to cure him of it even after many wipes. He always looked for reasons to hate them. Reasons to put himself before anyone else. Which was probably what he was doing now. He really shouldn't even be thinking about this. It wasn't any of his business anyway. But he couldn't seem to stop himself.

Bucky found his gear and hid a knife away in the blanket. If Steve wasn't angry before, he would be when he realized that Bucky was stealing things. Why he was taking back one of his old knives was beyond even him. Maybe it was some sort of old programming? Unclear. He should put it back. He should put it back any minute now...now...now. 

Instead, he found himself hiding the knife under the couch cushions. He scanned the room for a better hiding place but the panic was setting in now. What was he doing? He didn't put it back though. He saw three better hiding places but he couldn't bring himself to put move the knife at all. He just wanted to forget it existed. Hopefully he would, after the next wipe. He forced himself to sit back down the way Steve kept reminding him to, and stared ahead at the blank television screen. He was going to be in so much trouble when Steve found the knife. He should put it back. He didn't. 

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to the present y'all

"I'm never moving again." Bucky announces. 

"Oh, come on." Steve says, barely looking tired, the asshole, "It's not that bad."

"Speak for yourself. I think I'm dying. Again." Bucky collapses on the couch and fumbles for the remote. He needs to return to laziness as soon as possible. He slides through various unappealing options of  tv show and eventually settles on a sitcom he won't have to think about too hard. 

"Ugh. This again?" Steve complains. 

"Shut up. The point is that it's stupid. That's why I love it."  

"So kind of how I feel about you." 

"Shut up, Punk, the show's starting."

"You've already seen this episode, Jerk."

"And I've already heard you talk about it so shh." 

Steve laughs and gets up to make them both his favorite disgustingly healthy breakfast. Steve is terrible like that. 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now for our angsty past-tense part

The memories started coming back that week. It started with ice cream. He remembered Ice Cream once he had it. Hydra didn't have Ice-Cream. Not even Smith or Rumlow and they had been his favorites, as much as he was not meant to have favorites at all.

Steve heard a study on music and played songs in the living room. Bucky remembered dancing to those songs. Pretty girls with bright red lipstick had laughed and he'd flirted with them. He couldn't remember much else about the situation except that it had been...nice.

Steve had called him "Jerk". He'd called Steve "Punk." When had he stopped being Bucky or Jerk and become the Asset? When had. 

It wasn't that everything came back at once, that week, in between the days, during nights he spent staring at the ceiling, but a lot of it came back. 

It was Saturday when it really all came together. He had had these things. Before. With Steve. He had had ice cream and music and dancing and being called names that made him feel warm and he had been so much braver. He had been...more...somehow, he thinks. Something was hollowed out of him to make room for Hydra. His soul. He was not sure if he had a soul anymore. Fine then. They wanted him to be soulless? He would find what was left of them, and he would prove to them that they succeeded. Slowly.


End file.
